Things That Cause Me Stress as an Autistic…
Autism itself isn’t stressful- it’s a neurological condition which impacts sensory perception and brain processing. However, for Autistics conforming to and tolerating “normal” conditions can not only be overwhelming but can cause lasting trauma. We have all heard of, or unfortunately experienced, the highly-stigmatized Autistic meltdowns. We usually hear about them from the perspectives of parents and teachers of Autistic children about just how difficult and disruptive they can be. But what about for Autistics? While meltdowns and shutdowns are so wildly talked about when we think about Autism, we rarely hear about them from an Autistic perspective. And more importantly WHY they occur in the first place.
Meltdowns are not random; they are an intense and painful reaction to stressful situations that we feel we have no way out of. Unfortunately, it’s often the aspects of life that neurotypical folks consider mundane that cause Autistics to breakdown over time, which is why it’s so important to be mindful that our society is not a one-size-fits all; often it’s actually the little, “normal” things that can cause so much distress for Autistics! With just a few small changes to how our daily life is structured, life can be a lot easier for Autistics. And it should be solely on us to adapt!
Here are the top things that cause me stress as an Autistic person:
Routine Changes
One reason I may start to get flustered when unexpected changes occur is because I have developed my carefully constructed routine and coping strategies to help mitigate as many sensory stresses as possible. Even seemingly small disruptions, like a client cancelling their appointment and being out of bananas for my breakfast smoothie, can have a major impact on my emotional regulation in the moment, affecting how I orient myself for the rest of my day. Autistics are highly-perceptive and therefore sensitive to our surroundings; having to reschedule events at the last minute and figuring our a new breakfast that agrees with my stomach can be jarring as my sensitive brain , which just doesn’t process new information as quickly as others. Sticking to a routine is not an Autistic person being rigid or stubborn, we are actually proactively trying to decrease our overall stresses to improve efficiency and prevent meltdowns.
2. New Social Situations
Because I tend to have differing social needs than those around me, I will likely avoid big social gatherings, unless they are familiar to me, with folks I trust and in an environment I have been to before. Not only do unknown social situations, like being invited to an acquaintance’s house for the first time, bring potential sensory triggers and changes to my routine, but I am most terrified of messing up socially and even damaging relationships. Autistics do not intuitively understand seemingly-obvious social cues, so when I’m in a formal settings, like dinner with my in-laws, I am too over-stimulated trying to figure out and follow the etiquette to be able to participate fully. I personally would rather make an excuse not to attend an important career function if I feel anxious about the etiquette and who might be there, than risk going and making an awkward and lasting impression.
3. Misunderstandings
I pride myself in my ability to see and empathize with many sides of a situation and think critically about complex concepts. Even though I don’t always show the emotions I am feeling, I do care deeply. I feel most at ease when humans and nature are in harmony with one another as I am highly sensitive to the subtle energies of my surroundings. However, because I have trouble accurately articulating my complicated thoughts to other people on command, I may choose to remain silent if I think I may not be understood by those around me- especially if the topic is controversial. Social conflicts that are rooted in misunderstandings will undoubtedly shut me down. Autistics are used to sacrificing our own discomfort and refraining from expressing our own opinions, especially if we think there is a possibility of hurting someone. Autistics are often accused of being rude and arrogant because of our honesty, which is why it’s important to remember that Autistics would likely never intentionally set out to hurt anyone. When a social misunderstanding has occurred, I will be much harder on myself than any punishment I could ever receive.
4. Professional Appointments
Setting up appointments and then actually going to the doctor, dentist, tax office or even having to renew identification can be extremely stressful for me. Following strict instructions, especially rigid systemic ones that have no real logic yet have heavy consequences if not followed correctly, make routine appointments emotionally exhausting for Autistics. We may struggle to articulate our needs to the professional overseeing our care, which means getting denied affirmative services that make our lives even more challenging instead of better. I have put off going to the dentist for years because of the agonizing sound of the polishing tools and my aversion to waiting-room small talk! I have had my health card expire multiple times because I didn’t understand how to complete the paperwork or where to send the documents once I’d finally completed them! Because the obstacles Autistics get stuck on seem obvious to others, we stop asking for help to avoid being laughed at and further stigmatized, meaning our overall health and finances may ultimately suffer.
5. Uncomfortable Clothing
This is such an important one as it can mean the difference between a good day and debilitating one! As Autism affects our neurotransmitters, our senses and nerves are extra sensitive to touch and external sensation, especially textures against our skin. Wearing clothes that trigger a sensory reaction is literally like being trapped in a prison cell with no way to end the pain unless the outfit is removed all together. Often young Autistic children are scolded for having ongoing tantrums or being fussy when really it’s just a scratchy clothing tag or sock that is too tight. I tend to buy many articles of the same clothing style that I know works for my skin and brain. I also prefer to buy well-worn clothing at thrift stores to avoid the chemicals in, and stiffness of, new clothing. It’s not that Autistics don’t care about our appearances or clothing styles, we just need to prioritize our sensory health and dress for our brain, rather than what’s trendy in the moment.
6. Unclear Expectations
Just as I try to avoid misunderstandings, I also despise vague statements and speculation, especially regarding my work expectations. While I am a non-conformist by nature, when working with others, I am most at ease when I know exactly what the rules and desired outcomes are. Without a clear framework or step-by-step list, Autistics will feel like we are being setup to fail and we may fear being judged for making “silly mistakes”. When I have free range to delegate my own tasks and make my own schedule, like producing a comedy show I have written myself, I am more likely to succeed and achieve more than what was obligated of me. However, when following someone else’s lead, I need to do know exactly what the plan is because what’s obvious to you, will definitely not come naturally to me…and vice versa!
7. Too Many People Talking
While I don’t mind one constant loud noise, like going to a concert or listening to music, multiple sounds of different octaves- like many conversations happening around me at once- will cause my senses to strain and my brain to over-work and shutdown quite quickly. Remaining poised in a small space with lots of people conversing takes more energy for me than running an uphill marathon. Another reason why seemingly daily errands like lining up in a crowded café or grocery store can be difficult to manage is because of the build-up of extra noises around us that our Autistics brains have to work hard to absorb and distinguish between, which is why I wear ear plugs- not to be rude, but to be safe. I purposely do my shopping at odd times of the week, like Saturday night or first thing on Monday morning, for the sole reason that it’s quieter.
8. Phone Calls
I know I am not alone when I say that I despise phone calls, especially when I’m not expecting them. I will never pick up if I do not know the person on the other end, and it may take hours (or even days) to return a call, so send an email instead. One reason I, and other Autistics, prefer to text is because it can take us longer to articulate our answers. I always want to give a thoughtful response and ensure I am in a clear headspace, which is easier to do via text when I am ready. When I am alone, I have trouble verbalizing so I may not even be able to speak at the moment when I receive a call. Every Autistics communicates differently so it’s important not to make assumptions about anyone’s preferred method of contact.
9. Eye Contact
Eyes are NOT the window to my soul. As I age, making and holding eye contact feels like torture! I honestly can’t listen to what someone is saying if I am looking into their eyes. It can be physically painful to maintain the appropriate level of eye contact- that balance between starring or quickly shifting focus- leading to headaches, migraines and eventually meltdowns. I listen best when I am looking away from the person speaking, with my eyes closed, staring at fixed point, or doodling and playing with my phone. So much emphasis has been placed on the importance of eye contact in relationships that it’s important we start addressing just how damaging this etiquette is for Autistic folks- and that it’s not really that important!
While avoiding these 9 triggers can really help me live a fuller and more sensory-friendly existence, I encounter new sensory and emotional stresses on a daily basis that even though I do my best to face them without breaking down, it’s not always possible. The most important thing for everyone to remember is: Autistics are highly sensitive, so meltdowns are just reactions to sensory stressful situations and are never intentional. Autistics want to avoid them just as much as anyone else!
